


Contrition

by flootzavut



Series: Rosefern [7]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Episode: s01e23 Reveille, Friendship, Gen, Kate Lives, Mild References, Post Traumatic Stress, Recovery, References to Assault, References to Sexual Assault, References to kidnapping, Rosefern, Trauma, no depiction of assault, not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 16:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15912105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Abby gets some much needed insight into Kate's mental health.





	Contrition

**Author's Note:**

> I ATEN'T DEAD
> 
> If anyone out there is still reading, my apologies for my tardiness in updating, and my thanks for your patience ♥️
> 
> Another one posted out of order, this is from before Kate moves to Hawaii.

* * *

_**Contrition** _

* * *

 

"This reminds me of sleepovers when I was a kid." Kate was tucked up under a fluffy duvet on Abby's couch, and despite having a perfectly good coffin in the next room, Abby still hadn't decamped from her own little nest on the floor.

"Yeah, it's kind of cool. We should have done this more often when you worked at the Navy Yard. I guess I always assumed we'd have more time."

Kate reached down to grab Abby's hand. "I'll come back to visit. And you can come see me in Hawaii."

Abby smiled tightly. She was doing her best, but the strain of it was written all over her face. It had taken a lot for her to accept Kate was leaving, needed to leave, and she was still struggling with the idea she'd got Kate back only to then lose her again, even if it was only a matter of distance this time. "I keep telling myself it's better, that at least I won't be grieving, thinking you're dead, but Kate... I'm gonna miss you. So much."

"Me too, Abby." Kate squeezed Abby's hand gently. "But we have email and Skype and letters. I just need to... not be in DC right now."

"You think you'll ever move back here?"

Kate shook her head. "I'm sorry, Abs, I have no idea. Right now, I can't imagine being able to be here full time without losing my mind. It's..." She didn't have the right words. "It's overwhelming. It's so busy and noisy and the bad memories somehow manage to drown out all the good ones."

Abby gave her another tight little smile, one Kate strongly suspected was holding back tears. "It sucks."

"I know." She squeezed Abby's hand again. "I'd like to even be able to just come visit you and my sister and... everyone, without seeing  _his_  face everywhere. I mean, I know he's dead, but..." She shuddered. "My body hasn't caught up. A guy revved his motorcycle at me today and it took everything in me not to spin around and double tap him in the chest."

"Oh." Abby's eyes went round and shocked. "Oh. I... wow, Kate. I mean, I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was... like that."

Kate smiled wryly. "Yeah, it's... not fun."

"Understatement of the century."

She laughed at Abby's tone. "Probably. It's been wonderful to see you all, it's been... amazing. But part of me is so eager to get out of this city that waiting until I'm cleared to leave is driving me crazy."

"Oh." Abby looked away and there was a long silence.

"Abby?" Kate could hear the gulp of it as Abby swallowed hard a few times, and she wouldn't look up to meet Kate's eyes again. "Abs?"

"I, um..." Abby shook her head. "I really didn't realise." She heaved a sigh. "Okay. Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay..." Abby let out a little laugh, although there was no humour in it. "Okay, as in I get it now. Better than I did before, anyhow. Okay as in I'm gonna try real hard to beokay about this."

Her voice was slow and soft, her expression thoughtful, her head bowed. She looked... contrite? Kate reached out to touch Abby's cheek and was shocked to find it wet.

"I didn't really understand before," Abby continued. "I mean- I guess I still don't understand, because all that stuff you're dealing with... how could I understand? But I hoped you'd change your mind. 'Cause I'm really gonna miss you." Her voice cracked as she finally looked up, eyes shiny. "I didn't realise how bad it was, how hard it was to be here, so I thought - I hoped... I didn't realise." She sniffed, swiped at another tear escaping down her cheek. "I thought I understood, that I could help and then you wouldn't leave. But I had no idea, did I? I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry. You have every right to be furious with me. I didn't realise what I was asking when I begged you to stay, and I should've- I should've tried harder to understand. I amsosorry."

"Hey, hey." Kate reached down and pulled Abby into an awkward hug, bent over the couch and squishing each other into contorted positions. It was too uncomfortable to maintain for long, but when they pulled apart Kate was relieved to see Abby's expression was no longer one of intense guilt, though she was pale and drawn. "Abby, I'm - I'm kind of glad you don't understand. The only way you could really understand would be if you were having flashbacks and panic attacks and were scared to walk around a city that was supposed to be your home. I wouldn't wish that on anyone I cared about, not even to make them understand. Okay?"

Abby pressed her lips together and nodded jerkily. "Okay." Her eyes were still wet. "I will try harder though, Kate. I should've gotten it sooner." The side of her mouth tweaked into a self-deprecating grimace. "I probably would've, if I hadn't been so busy telling myself you were making the wrong decision and trying so hard to convince you to stay - if I'd just believed you in the first place and not decided I knew better like I always think I do." She shrugged a shoulder and gave Kate a wan little grin. "So... I'm really sorry."

Kate took her hand again. She wanted to say not to worry, it didn't matter, but that wasn't completely true, and besides, she was sure there was nothing she could say that would make Abby feel better about it. Kate knew Abby meant well, and didn't have the energy to be mad at her for her good intentions. "And hey, Abs, you wanted me to stay because you want to have me around. How can I be angry about that?"

Another wan smile. "You shouldn't have to be the one comforting me here. God, I'm so sorry, Kate. I've been a horrible friend, but I promise, I'm gonna do better. So much better."

Kate grinned as an idea occurred to her. "You know what would really make things better?"

Abby's face lit up, like an eager puppy. "What? You can ask me anything, I swear, I will do anything for you right now, Kate."

"Then I'd like you to go get that tub of Ben and Jerry's you promised you'd buy for us, and two spoons."

Abby beamed. "Your wish is my command!"

Kate couldn't help laughing at how quickly Abby scrambled up out of her makeshift bed, and in only a couple of minutes she reappeared with two spoons and  _two_  tubs of ice cream.

"Okay, I have Phish Food 'cause I know that's your favourite, but there was an offer and I couldn't decide between cookie dough and fudge brownie, so-" She held out the pot for Kate to read.

"It has both?"

"Welcome back to America, Kate!"

They grinned at each other, then Abby peeled the tubs open and they started in on the ice cream before it even had time to get softer and easier to eat. For a few minutes the only sound was of spoons scraping against cardboard and appreciative yummy noises.

"You know, I'm pretty sure this is so good it should be illegal," said Kate after a while.

Abby gestured grandly with her spoon. "No, this is so good it should be mandatory. The world would be a better place if we all ate good ice cream on a regular basis."

"If you run for president on that platform, I'll vote for you."

"Are you kidding? Of course you'd vote for me. Everyone would vote for me. Too bad I love my job."

Kate giggled. "Too bad. You'd make a great president."

"Yup. I'd make everyone follow Gibbs' rules and there'd be ice cream with every meal. And really good science programmes in schools. And abandoning a pet would be a felony."

"So would asking women why they're still single."

"Absolutely!"

"Or asking a woman her age, or when she's going to have kids."

"Ugh, definitely. Or making assumptions about people because of how they're dressed or whether they have tattoos."

Kate tapped her spoon against her lips. "Who'd be your VP?"

"You, silly!"

"Oh, no, no. Don't get me wrong, but no way. I could be your head of security, maybe, I do have the right experience, but nothing political."

"Really?"

"Trust me."

Abby screwed up her face. "I'll have to think about that then. Mind you, policy-making is more fun anyway."

"True." Kate thought for a moment. "I'd outlaw racism."

"Of course! No discrimination on the grounds of anything so ridiculous as skin colour. Or gender, or nationality or... And marriage equality. I'd definitely make sure we had that."

"And pay equality."

"Good one!"

There was another pause as they dug in to the ice cream.

"You know," said Kate, between licking her lips to catch the chocolately goodness trying to make a break down her chin, "it's too bad you like your job. You'd be great at this presidential thing."

"I know." Abby nodded. "My job is just too awesome to give up." She sighed, expression turning mournful. "The only thing... the  _only_  thing I don'tlike about my job is that all these people I care about risk their lives on a daily basis. That sucks. That really, really sucks."

Kate wanted to protest, but the truth was, she knew the feeling. Risking her own life was one thing, that was something she'd accepted when she'd chosen a career in the Secret Service, and it hadn't changed when she'd come to NCIS or even while she'd been abroad. But it didn't stop her hating how some of her closest friends in the world could, on any given day, catch a bullet and end up injured or paralysed or dead. And that wasn't even including all the other dangerous mischief they could get into. It did suck. "Yeah, it sucks."

Abby sighed. "I mean, if you didn't do this job, I would never have met you, which would suck more, but I kind of wish we could have-" she gestured between them, and Kate knew she meant their friendship "-but not have the terrorist whack jobs that go with it. I mean, if you'd stayed in law school and we'd met at Pilates or something, what would be the chances you'd go missing for seven years?"

"Would you really have become friends with a lawyer who did Pilates?"

"Probably not," admitted Abby with a grin. "Federal agents who do Pilates get a pass, but lawyers? Pfft. And I'm pretty sure Pilates isn't compatible with the amount of Caf-Pow! I drink. So I don't know if I would ever have gone to the actual class..." She sucked thoughtfully on her spoon. "I guess... the risk is just one of those things that comes with the territory. But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Abby, I'm so-"

"Don't apologise-"

"If you tell me it's a sign of weakness, I will hurt you."

Abby chuckled, her mood lightening. "I was going to say, you don't need to apologise because there's nothing to apologise for. I mean... don't get me wrong, Kate, I've missed you like crazy and I'm gonna miss you so much when you go to Hawaii, but I thought you were dead, and you're not, and I got my friend back, and that's-" she shook her head "-that's  _spectacular_."

Kate couldn't help grinning at Abby's expression and tone. "Okay, okay." It wasn't necessarily going to be easy to stop saying sorry, but she could try.

"Believe me, it's gonna be so much better this time. To know I'll just be able to pick up the phone and talk to you... I wanted to do that so many times over the last seven years, just... you know, girl talk or tell you about a case or ask your advice on something. I mean, imaginary you was a lot better than nothing, but..."

Kate nodded. At least Abby no longer felt the need to poke her on a regular basis to check she was the real deal. She fought back the temptation to apologise again. "What was imaginary me like?"

Abby grinned mischievously. "She was like you but goth.  _Really_  goth."

Kate raised an eyebrow.

"She had this long, shiny, silvery white hair, and this killer dress - black, off the shoulder, these gorgeous ruffles at the wrists. Earrings, necklace... not your usual kind. Big cross on a ribbon round her neck. Oh, and she had these awesome huge spider rings. You would hate them, they'd get in the way of everything, but they looked great."

Kate tried hard not to seem too doubtful, and Abby gave her a look which said it hadn't worked.

"In case you ever wondered, if you ever want to go full on queen of the night? You'll look fantastic. Tony would have a heart attack." She sighed. "And you told me stuff like... that you loved me in pigtails, and you tried to make me laugh. Tried to make me be myself again." She pressed her lips into a tight, brittle grin, looking sad but also amused by the memory. "You looked after me, made sure I was okay, did that big sister thing of making me keep going when I didn't really want to, when all I wanted was to curl up and cry." She looked up, the slightly wonky smile still on her face. "She was kind of awesome, actually. I saw her a lot less after the memorial, but just occasionally, when I needed a lift..."

"Goth-Kate to the rescue."

"Uh-hm. It was pretty cool. But the real thing... you're so much cooler than my memory, Kate. I'm so grateful I have you back. We all are."

"D'you think the others ever...?" It felt weird to ask, and she didn't even know what she wanted the answer to be.

Abby didn't need her to spell it out. "I know Ducky talked to you. He never said if he actually saw you, or if you talked back, but I know not having a body didn't stop him. You know how he is."

Kate smiled softly. She did. He wasn't as vocal or demonstrative as Abby, but in his gentle way he'd made very sure she knew how glad he was she had returned, and how supportive he was of whatever she decided to do. And it wasn't as if not having an audience or interlocutor had ever slowed him down. She could easily imagine him having a quiet conversation with her in absentia. More than once. It was a strangely comforting thought.

"I don't know if the guys saw you. We didn't talk about it much. Tim was shell-shocked. Tony was trying to pretend like he was fine. It wasn't..." Abby shrugged. "It was hard. We thought you were dead, all our evidence suggested they'd killed you, but we didn't have a body, so we couldn't be certain. There was no..."

"Closure?"

"Yeah." She shook her head. "It was hard not knowing, and not being able to do anything. Eventually we managed to start moving on, and getting Ari helped, but I think we all kind of lost it for a while."

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Kate had the feeling Abby was sorting through old memories.

"I remember Gibbs had McGee and DiNozzo really freaked out," she continued. "He was being all considerate, offering to get them coffee and stuff. Tony was so, you know-" she pulled a crazy-eyed Tony face, and Kate giggled "-he spent like, an entire day deliberately provoking Gibbs, just to get him to stop being nice."

Abruptly, Kate stopped laughing. Crazy-eyed Tony was funny, even though she would rarely admit that aloud. Tony deliberately provoking Gibbs just to get a reaction, to try and get some sense of normalcy back? The thought of it made her heart ache.

"I hate that I hurt you all so much."

Abby sat up straight, suddenly serious. "Kate, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't _._ You didn't hurt us, Ari hurt us."

"I guess." Kate frowned. "It doesn't feel that way. I mean... it's not like I stayed away because I didn't want to come back or anything. It was just... for a while it wasn't feasible, I had to stay under the radar, and after that I suppose... I didn't know where to start and I'd gotten used to my new life, and I needed to stand still for a while. I was so worn out. But then this happened, and it all happened so fast, and it makes me think, if I'd tried before, if I hadn't just assumed it would be too difficult, too dangerous, then maybe I could've come home sooner."

Abby grabbed her hand. "But you're home now. That's what's important."

"Then why do I feel so guilty about it?" It didn't quite come out as a wail of desperation, but she did sound a bit too much like a toddler yelling about how life wasn't fair.

"Maybe you should stop worrying about it, Kate. You've been back hardly any time, if you think about it. After seven years..." Abby shrugged. "I mean, I'm sure it's going to take a while to get used to it and get your head on straight, and that's okay."

"You sound like my sister."

Abby laughed, low and husky. "Maybe you should start listening to her."

Kate wrinkled up her nose. "Yeah, that'll be the day. I have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what she says even when I know she's right."

"She's pretty cool. For a brain doctor."

"Psychologist."

Abby shrugged. "You know what I mean. She looks in your head and I was... kind of scared of her."

Kate blinked. "Of Rachel?!" Her sister was a lot of things, but scary?

Abby pulled a face. "I didn't know how nice she was gonna be! And I didn't know she was your sister. I thought-" (and now she looked decidedly embarrassed) "-I thought she might judge me because of how I dress and stuff, the job I do. And I was scared she might make me think about things I didn't want to think about. I'm not used to outsiders coming in and poking around, anyway, I get all- it makes me nervous."

Kate fought back the grin. She imagined Rachel, her friendly but serious demeanour, her way of delicately cutting to the heart of the matter and well, okay, it wasn't so hard to see how Abby could get rattled, but it did make Kate want to giggle.

"Turns out she's really sweet, but I didn't know that at the time."

"She liked you, too. She pretty much hasn't shut up about how brilliant she thinks you all are." Abby grinned happily at that assessment. "I wish she hadn't been so far away when I was working here. Though..." Kate paused. "You know, at the time I probably wouldn't have appreciated it. She was always there when I needed her, but I sort of... resented her a bit. She knew what she wanted to be and she was good at it, and she was married and had her life sorted and me, I had to change careers because I slept with a colleague." She snorted. "I never could quite live up to her."

"I'm really glad we know her now."

"Me too. If there's one positive that came out of all this... I don't think I'm going to start taking people for granted any time soon. I don't think I had a clue just how lucky I was until it was all taken away." Seeing how they were all looking out for her the best they could, from her sister fussing over her right through to Gibbs and the Director giving her as much privacy as possible... It was humbling to be reminded how much she was loved, after all this time, that she'd never been forgotten.

Kate went back to her ice cream, scraping the last of it up. Eating the entire pint seemed ridiculously extravagant, but there was even something soothing in being able to do that.

Abby absently took the empty tub from her and set it on the coffee table along with her own. "You know," she said, "Gibbs got really... determined, after you disappeared." Abby seemed miles away - or maybe just years ago. "I don't think Ari realised he'd pulled the tail of a tiger."

Even though in a way it was depressing, Kate couldn't help a slight smile. "It's kind of nice to know there are people who'd make sure I was avenged. Gibbs had my back even when he thought I was dead. Tony and Tim, too." She smiled a little wider. "What am I saying? All of you. You were all on my side, you all had my back, no matter who was actually pulling the trigger."

"Gibbs was the one who wouldn't let it go. Ari had the agency directors fooled, fake evidence planted on a patsy, you name it... But Gibbs didn't believe a word of it. I don't know if it was his gut or just that he felt guilty. I think he felt like he'd personally let you down. So if he couldn't get you back, he was gonna make sure Ari paid for taking you away."

"Oh." Kate shook her head at the surprising thought. She knew Gibbs took his responsibility to his team as seriously as anyone could, but it was somehow different to hear about the specifics, how hard they'd fought when their superiors had wanted them off the case. She kept hearing more anecdotes about the hunt for Ari, kept being taken unawares by their utter refusal to let it rest until they'd made him pay; it was obvious they'd gone above and beyond to see justice done. She hated to think about any of them carrying guilt for not being able to foresee Ari's deviousness.

"Ari signed his own death warrant the moment he threatened any of us, but when he took you..." Abby shrugged. For a moment she looked like she wasn't sure whether to continue, then the words spilled out in a hurry: "Ari asked about you."

"When?"

"When he tried to blow Gibbs up."

Kate thought back, frowned. "He asked Gibbs about  _me_?" The idea Ari had asked after her was... a little nauseating. Gibbs had disappeared that night, had come back merely saying Ari had tried and failed to kill him. She wanted to feel angry Gibbs hadn't told her, but she wasn't honestly sure she would've wanted to know. "Do you know what he said?"

Abby shook her head. "Gibbs just said he should've known Ari was after you. Said he should've figured it out, should've done more to protect you." There was a moment of silence before Abby continued. "I think the boss-man felt like he should've realised Ari wouldn't kill him without... without hurting him first, torturing him, and he should've taken that into account."

Kate frowned. There was no way Gibbs could've known what Ari had in mind, that was insane. "I don't think I get it."

Again there was a pause, like Abby was deciding what to say or how to say it. "Ari wasn't aiming for Gibbs on that rooftop, Kate," she managed eventually. "He was aiming for you. It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a crosswind or a miscalculation or a pot-shot. We didn't realise until after you'd gone missing. He wanted them to see - he wanted Gibbs to have to watch you die. Kidnapping you and letting us think he'd killed you was his backup plan."

There was a moment of silence while Kate tried to digest it. "He was planning to kill me?"

Abby nodded.

"Oh." Kate didn't know how to feel about that. "Why me? I mean, he wanted-" she swallowed hard "-I understand the reasons he wanted to abduct me, you know." She reminded herself this was gonna get easier with time, and hoped like hell she was right. "But I don't get why he wanted to kill me."

Abby shrugged and looked away. Kate had a feeling there was something she wasn't saying. "Abby, why me?"

Abby shook her head. "Because..." She sighed. "Because he was trying to hurt Gibbs as much as possible. First he went for you. Then he tried to shoot me, through my lab windows. He wanted to... hit Gibbs where it would hurt the most."

Kate turned the idea over and over in her head, tried to get her mind around it. Shooting at Abby made more sense, in a weird kind of way. It was common knowledge Abby was Gibbs' favourite, it wouldn't have been hard for Ari to pick up that tidbit. Abby had been on the Navy Yard, everyone would have assumed she was secure and protected. For Ari to have hurt her, hurt or even killed Gibbs' surrogate daughter when she should have been safe... in his sick mind, that would make total sense. It was horrible, but Kate could see the twisted logic.

It was harder to see what logic was behind killing  _her_ , when Ari had always acted like what he wanted most from her was... well, nothing he could get after she was dead. If he'd killed her, he wouldn't even have got near her body, certainly wouldn't have had her at his mercy or been able to tell her he was going to make her his. If that was what he'd wanted, why had he even tried to shoot her? What was she missing here?

She didn't get it, it made no sense, it... suddenly she really, really needed to stop talking or hearing or thinking about Ari Haswari for as long as she possibly could. She shuddered. "Yuk."

"What? You okay, Kate?"

"I think I need to stop dwelling on this." She laughed humourlessly. "Don't take this the wrong way, it really is good to see you, Abs, all of you, but I can't wait to get out of this town."

It was Abby who took hold of Kate's hand this time. "As long as you promise to come back and visit sometimes."

"You just see if you can stop me."

That got her a husky laugh. "Okay."

She squeezed Abby's hand again, and suddenly yawned, both physically and emotionally exhausted. "I'm sorry, Abs. I don't think I'm quite used to this time zone yet."

"It's okay if you need to sleep, Kate. I just like that you're here." Abby lay back down in her cocoon, making a comfortable noise like a contented baby that made Kate laugh.

"Shouldn't you actually go to bed at some point?"

Abby chuckled. "Don't wanna." She squeezed Kate's hand. "I'd rather be in here with you."

Kate could feel her eyes closing despite her best efforts. "'Kay. 'Night."

"'Night, Kate."

_~ fin ~_


End file.
